A funny couples contract is the paperwork of a relationship that has survived long enough to have disputes worth filing. Pillow custody. Blanket theft. Who watched ahead. The Bureau has processed relationship contracts since the first two people agreed to share a cave, and the ones that end up framed above the bed share a structure. This guide covers that structure, the occasions it suits, and two dozen clauses you can lift directly.
One note before the clauses. A relationship contract drawn up by the Bureau is satire. It does not replace a cohabitation agreement, a prenup or anything a lawyer would recognize. It governs the side of the bed. The law governs the rest.
When a couples contract works best
Per our records, couples file at four predictable moments:
- Moving in together. The single most productive occasion. Two sets of habits are about to share one kitchen, and every future argument can be pre-settled in writing.
- Anniversaries. Especially the first, the paper anniversary, when a contract is not a joke gift but the traditional material. The Bureau considers this a sign.
- Valentine's Day, for couples who would rather receive a binding agreement than a teddy bear.
- After a recurring argument, once both parties can laugh about it. Filing during the argument is not recommended.
How to write a relationship contract that lands
The same rules apply as for any friendship contract, with one adjustment: a couple shares more territory, so the clauses can be more specific.
- Use formal titles. "Partner of the First Part" and "Partner of the Second Part" are standard. A formal title on a clause about the good pillow is half the joke.
- Name a small, specific consideration. What does each party receive for signing? Custody of the Good Side of the Bed is the Bureau's default. The Remote, on Alternate Evenings is a popular amendment.
- Write about real behavior. If one of you steals the blanket, write the blanket clause. If neither of you does, skip it. Generic clauses get a polite smile; specific ones get read aloud to friends.
- Keep it to six to eight clauses, then a curse of breach.
- Hide one sincere line. The "I'm fine" ticket clause below is a promise to check in. You need not mention this.
Funny couples contract ideas: the bedroom
These come straight from the Bureau's standard instrument, the Conjugal Binding:
Custody of the good pillow is hereby awarded to the Partner of the Second Part, with visitation rights granted to the Partner of the First Part on alternate weekends and public holidays, as ordered by the Infernal Family Court.
Blanket theft during sleeping hours is a Class B Infernal Misdemeanor, punishable by forfeiture of the good pillow.
Each party holds sovereign dominion over their side of the bed. Limbs crossing the center line after midnight shall be returned to their owner by the Bureau's night clerk, without ceremony.
Further clauses the Bureau has filed for couples:
- The party who sets the earliest alarm shall not use the snooze function more than twice. The third snooze is entered as a hostile act.
- Cold feet may not be applied to the other party without prior written consent.
- Whoever falls asleep first forfeits the right to complain about what the other party watched.
Clauses for moving in together
Moving in is where a relationship contract earns its frame. The practical questions here overlap with any roommate agreement; the difference is that you also have to like each other afterwards.
- The thermostat shall be set by negotiation, not by stealth. Unilateral adjustments go before the Tribunal of Eternal Room Temperature, deadlocked since the Bronze Age.
- The party who cooks is exempt from washing up. The party who "helped" by opening the wine is not.
- Decorative cushions are capped at a number agreed in writing. Each cushion beyond the cap requires a hearing.
- A dish left "soaking" for more than forty-eight hours is no longer soaking. It is a ruin, and whoever left it becomes its curator.
- Neither party may describe a pile of clothes on a chair as "organized."
- The last of any snack belongs to the party who did not buy it, provided they ask first. Asking afterwards is a confession, not a request.
- Plants acquired by one party are that party's responsibility. Plants that die while the other party was "watering them" are a shared grief.
Clauses for anniversaries
An anniversary contract looks back as well as forward. These work well renewed every year, with a fresh countersignature:
- The series both parties are watching together shall not be watched ahead by either party. Watching ahead is betrayal in the second degree, and the Bureau will know.
- A party who answers "I don't mind" when asked what to eat forfeits all veto rights for the remainder of the meal.
- Any statement of "I'm fine" shall be logged with the Bureau as an open ticket. The other party must follow up within the hour, bearing snacks.
- The story of how the parties met shall be told in the agreed version only. Embellishments require a joint vote.
- Each party retains the right to one (1) "I told you so" per calendar year, to be used wisely.
- On this anniversary and every one after, both parties shall pretend to be surprised by the restaurant.
Clauses for holidays, families and travel
- Holidays shall alternate between families. Any year the arrangement is contested goes to the in-law with the best dessert.
- The party driving controls the music. The passenger controls the snacks. Neither controls the navigation, which remains in dispute.
- Any unexplained noise in the house after midnight shall be investigated by the Partner of the First Part, alone, using a phone as a flashlight, as tradition requires.
- At airports, the party who wanted to arrive three hours early shall not say "see, we had loads of time." The other party shall not say "see, we could have left later."
- Photos of the other party may be posted only after approval. Unapproved photos taken from below are a separate offense.
The curse of breach
Every Bureau filing closes with a penalty. For couples, it should be domestic, petty and slightly too accurate. The Conjugal Binding's standard curse:
Curse of Breach: whosoever violates this Binding shall, until the next anniversary, own no fitted sheet that folds and no charging cable that reaches the bed.
Signing, and what to do with it after
A relationship contract is only finished when both partners have signed. Start from the Conjugal Binding or a blank instrument on the filing desk, sign first, then send it for countersignature rather than signing both lines yourself. The countersignature is the moment the joke lands.
Drafting, signing and countersigning cost nothing. If you want the result to outlive the group chat, the Company Store issues three formats, ordered through Etsy, where the final price appears in your currency:
- Certified Copy, about US$7: a sealed, numbered PDF, a copy with blank signature lines for signing by hand, and a phone wallpaper, delivered after purchase.
- Unframed print, about US$29: matte paper, made to order with a five to seven day production time.
- Framed print, about US$64: the same print in a black wooden frame, ready for the wall above the disputed bed.
Prints ship free to the US, EU, UK, Canada and Australia. For an anniversary, order at least two weeks ahead.
Frequently asked questions
What should a funny couples contract include?
Formal names for both partners, a small consideration such as custody of the good side of the bed, six to eight clauses about real habits (pillows, blankets, chores, snacks, the remote, watching ahead), one quietly sincere clause, a curse of breach, and both signatures. Specific beats generic every time.
Is a relationship contract legally binding?
No. A Bureau relationship contract is a satirical document, made for laughing at and framing. It is not a cohabitation agreement or prenuptial agreement. If you need something with legal force, about property, rent or money, speak to a qualified lawyer in your jurisdiction and keep the pillow clauses separate.
Is a couples contract a good anniversary gift?
Yes, particularly for a first anniversary, which is traditionally paper. Write clauses about your actual year together, have your partner countersign, and give the framed print or Certified Copy. It costs less than dinner out and, unlike dinner, it stays on the wall.
Can we change the clauses later?
Yes. Every clause on the filing desk can be edited before signing, and couples often file a new version each anniversary with updated terms. Treat the old one as precedent. The Bureau keeps every filing, so the history of the pillow dispute remains on the record.
For other ways to put a relationship in writing, see the Bureau's best friend gift ideas and the full list of funny contract ideas.