These funny contract ideas come from the Bureau's clause register, open since 4000 BC and never once closed for pettiness. Each clause is written to be copied, edited and signed. They are grouped by relationship, because a clause about the last slice binds friends differently from a clause about the good pillow.
Every clause can be dropped into a blank instrument on the filing desk, along with your own. A good contract uses six to eight of them, plus a curse of breach: every pizza they order for a year arrives slightly cold, and the driver will know why.
How to use these funny contract clauses
- Pick clauses about real behavior. The funniest contract is the one that names a habit everyone at the table recognizes.
- Replace the placeholders. "The First Party" becomes a name.
- Hide one sincere line. One clause that is quietly a promise. Nobody needs to be told which.
- Get it countersigned. A contract with one signature is a wish. The Bureau does not process wishes.
Funny contract ideas for friends
- The last slice of pizza shall belong to the Second Party in perpetuity. It is the one clause the Infernal Appeals Court has never overturned.
- Neither party may claim to be "not hungry" and then eat from the other's plate. This constitutes fraud under Infernal Consumer Protection Law.
- A party who answers "I don't mind" when asked what to eat forfeits all veto rights for the remainder of the meal.
- The bill shall be split evenly, unless one party ordered only a side salad and says so, once, quietly.
- On request, each party shall serve as the other's excuse to leave any gathering that has gone on too long. The code word is "Tuesday."
- The question of pineapple on pizza remains before the Bureau. Deliberations began in 1962 and have adjourned for lunch.
- Whoever suggested the restaurant may not complain about the restaurant.
- Plans made after 11 PM are non-binding and shall not be cited the following morning.
More on drafting these in how to write a friendship contract.
Funny contract ideas for best friends
- All embarrassing stories shared between the parties are protected by eternal attorney-client privilege, although neither party is an attorney.
- One (1) airport ride per calendar year is owed, no questions asked, including departures before 6 AM.
- The First Party shall not bring up That One Thing from 2019. Both parties know which thing.
- Each party is bound to report spinach in teeth, a regrettable haircut under consideration, or the ex texting again. Silence is complicity.
- Neither party may leave the group chat. Muting is permitted. Leaving is desertion.
- Every joke told by the Second Party shall be met with laughter, regardless of quality. Pity laughs are filed separately.
The Bureau's standard best friend instrument is the Eternal Allegiance Pact.
Funny contract ideas for couples
- Custody of the good pillow is awarded to the Second Party, with visitation rights on alternate weekends and public holidays.
- Blanket theft during sleeping hours is a Class B Infernal Misdemeanor, punishable by forfeiture of the good pillow.
- Limbs crossing the center line of the bed after midnight shall be returned to their owner without ceremony.
- The series both parties are watching together shall not be watched ahead. Watching ahead is betrayal in the second degree.
- Any statement of "I'm fine" shall be logged as an open ticket. The other party must follow up within the hour, bearing snacks.
- Cold feet may not be applied to the other party without prior written consent.
- The party who cooks is exempt from washing up. The party who "helped" by opening the wine is not.
- Each party retains one (1) "I told you so" per calendar year, to be used wisely.
Two dozen more in funny couples contract ideas.
Funny contract ideas for roommates
- A dish left "soaking" for more than forty-eight hours is no longer soaking. It is a ruin, and whoever left it becomes its curator.
- Whoever uses the last square of toilet paper shall replace the roll. One square on the cardboard is not compliance.
- Groceries labeled with a name are consecrated ground. Eating them is not theft but desecration.
- Food left in the shared fridge for more than 72 hours becomes the sovereign property of whoever finds it first.
- The thermostat shall remain at the temperature last agreed in writing.
- Any guest who stays more than three consecutive nights shall be declared a resident and billed a share of the Wi-Fi.
- All spiders fall under the jurisdiction of one named roommate, who shall remove them humanely.
- Any unexplained noise after midnight shall be investigated by the roommate who laughs at horror films, alone, with a phone as a flashlight.
Funny contract ideas for coworkers
- Any meeting that could have been an email shall be recorded as time served.
- "Per my last email" is a minor curse and may be cast no more than twice per fiscal quarter.
- Neither party shall reply-all to a company-wide email. Violations will be read aloud at the next all-hands.
- A lunch labeled and placed in the office refrigerator is protected by ancient wards.
- Screaming is permitted during office hours only (9 AM to 5 PM, Hellfire Standard Time).
- Whoever takes the last coffee shall start a new pot. Leaving one inch in the jug is a hostile act.
- The stapler on the First Party's desk belongs to the First Party. Its appearance on other desks will be investigated.
The office version is filed as the Cubicle Concord.
Bachelorette and bachelor party contract ideas
A bachelorette party contract (or bachelor party contract) is signed by the whole group before the weekend begins. Keep it affectionate, and keep the guest of honor's partner in mind as a future reader.
- What happens on the weekend is protected under the Infernal Secrecy Act. Disclosure to anyone not present voids the disclosing party's invitation to the wedding afterparty.
- The guest of honor shall not pay for a single drink. Any attempt to do so is to be blocked physically but politely.
- Photographs may be posted only after approval by the guest of honor. Photos taken from below are a separate offense.
- Each attendee shall deliver one (1) embarrassing but wedding-safe story at dinner. Stories unsafe for the wedding are archived, not destroyed.
- Matching outfits, once agreed, are binding. Withdrawal after purchase is desertion, punishable by wearing the sash next time.
- The designated organizer's itinerary is law. Complaints are accepted in writing, after the wedding.
- No attendee may text an ex. The guest of honor least of all.
- At least one attendee must remain responsible at all times. The role rotates hourly and is recorded on a napkin.
Have everyone sign on arrival, then frame it for the guest of honor.
Funny contract ideas for family and holidays
- Holiday leftovers shall be divided by the ancient formula: whoever washed the dishes chooses first.
- Each recipient shall receive their gift with visible delight, regardless of contents. "Wow, socks" satisfies this clause in full.
- Siblings shall not relitigate disputes from before 2010 at the dinner table.
- The person who hosts does not wash up. The person who arrived late does.
- Parents shall not forward chain messages without first checking whether they are true.
For exchanges, see the Secret Santa contract.
Making it official
Drafting, signing and countersigning are free on the filing desk. For a keepsake, the Company Store issues any filed contract through Etsy as a Certified Copy PDF with a blank-signature copy and phone wallpaper (about US$7), an unframed matte print (about US$29), or a print in a black wooden frame (about US$64). Prints are made to order with five to seven days of production and ship free to the US, EU, UK, Canada and Australia.
Frequently asked questions
What are some funny contract ideas for friends?
The strongest ones are about food and loyalty: the last slice, claiming not to be hungry then eating off someone's plate, splitting the bill, never leaving the group chat, and an agreed code word for leaving a party early. Choose clauses about habits your friends actually have, and close with a petty curse of breach.
What should a bachelorette party contract include?
A secrecy clause, a rule that the bride or guest of honor pays for nothing, photo approval, a ban on texting exes, a binding commitment to matching outfits, and one wedding-safe story from each attendee. Have everyone sign before the weekend begins, then frame the signed copy as a keepsake.
How many clauses should a funny contract have?
Six to eight, plus a curse of breach. Fewer reads like a greeting card; more and nobody reaches the end. Each Bureau instrument carries eight curated clauses for this reason. Pick the clauses that describe real behavior and cut any that need explaining to the people signing.
Are funny contracts legally binding?
No. These are satirical documents meant to be signed, laughed at and framed. They do not create legal obligations, and nothing in them should be relied on for rent, money or property. For anything that needs legal force, use a proper agreement drafted under your local law.